Last Monday was a kind of blue. I just came to my flat at 4.30 in the morning after 8 hours sleepless journey by train from Jogja. I threw my backpack on the floor, sat on my bed with wandering mind and tired body. My relationship with my girlfriend has just ended. Although we’ve been in a quite heated situation in the last 2 months, still the finale was unanticipated.
In the last few days, my thoughts were filled with all things happened. I looked at what were left. Sadness, anger, disappointment. I wanted to get rid of our pictures on my phone. I feel like it should not be this way. I blamed myself, regretting my attitude, my lacking of commitment to her. I should have been better by showing more effort. I should take care of her more. And I blamed her too. Why had she given up on me? She should have known me better. How come she gave up that easily. On the day we broke up, she told me that she was already looking for another guy. How come she do that? I blamed the situation too. Why we should have the unavoided difference. Knowing it will end like this, perhaps I should never be in the relationship with her. It is useless after all.
I took a sigh. I did not feel better anyway. This kind of thinking just made everything worse. Perhaps, I could accept the things as it happened. It is out of my control. What I can do is controlling my behaviour. I looked back at our photographs at my phone, reminding me the moments we spent together. Our relationship had gone strong for nearly five years despite all differences and limitations. I remember we were having fun, a lot. We have grown together. We learned from each other mistakes. And if it has ended it does not mean our relationship is useless. I believe we both took a lot of positive lesson from our process. I have forgiven all of our faults. And they actually rarely happened as far as I remember. Joy and happiness were dominating. We will still be friends. I thanked her in my heart. Wishing her a good luck in her next journey. Perhaps she would find someone someday. It is just alright. It’s okay. Accepting. Thanking. Forgiving. And I prefer this way.